following a nightmare.

i chase those dreams and those thoughts that are out of reach or impossible to happen.

he might be an ass to you... he is the sweetess guy to me...

he might seem like a player to you...  he is faithful in my mind...

why can't i just stop the dreams that get to sleep at night. those dreams where you picture what could be and how he is just there. there for you and no one else. do i need him to sweep me off my feet like some cliche love story? no i don't. but i'd like the chance. Can't he see that i hate it when he brings up a girl? Doesn't he realize when he touches me i get at a loss for words?

nope. I can dream that he might one day. it would be nice for a sooner ending but his love is like the sweetest sin. challenging to get and even harder to realize or for him to notice.

if only you were the one reading this. how would you reply? i desperately want to know.

j.rose

whats wrong here?

can't sleep tonight

you running through my mind 

hold me back from my dreams

think about you

can't let you go 

you let me go

nothing to do but...

nothing.

just a thought.

an obsession.

its an emotion that we all feel when we are driven to a thing, place, person, or whatever and we never stop thinking about it. We can't focus on much besides that one thing because thats all we want to focus on or think about.

obsessing is something that we don't plan on but once it takes a hold of us, there is not much to do about it until it slowly fades. Am I obsessed with the fact that thinking about a certain person might completely change for the better and maybe, just maybe, become "obsessed" or in love with the idea of me. I think about this when it comes to many people i know and it all seems rather insane. i become obsessed? obsessed with the fact of something or someone that is truly unlikely to happen. is there a sense in wasting my thoughts? i can't help it, i guess, because once you think there is the slightest chance, even 1 out of 1,ooo,000, then i believe in that one tiny chance...am i that pathetic for compassion?

o fuck.

j.rose

weekly stuff? (long overdue)

 TRY

treat me like you wanna know me

solve me unlike your complicated life

i think this is for real

i wanna believe this is what you feel

tell me this is what you want

i'm what you want

right?

j.rose

what's in a word?

a little confused here.

are these two different things???

1) liking attention

2) liking the feeling of someone who is out of your league wanting you

are these the same things? is being selfish the same thing as liking the feeling of want? liking the attention of someone who wants you, just that person? when that one person, at that one time, wants you...right there and then. the need for you.

are those the same things? i don't think so...a little lost.

j.rose

can you tell me?

we have fun...

there is no wrong in that

you touch me and you kiss me but in front of anyone else

you admit your current "relationship status"

like i don't even feel that pit in my heart when you say "my girlfriend"

why do i let you play with...me

can i not resist your eyes

your lips

your touch

definitely not...then why do i feel all the guilt and its no big deal for you?

tis' not fair.

j.rose

i wanna know

i wanna know why when you hold me you hold me like you care 

i wanna know why you only see me as just that friend

just that.

i wanna know why you even need her

i wanna know why you can't just have me

i wanna know why i feel like this

i wanna know why you have this control

i hate it that you have her and you don't feel guilt when your with me

i hate it when you hold me and kiss me...you don't feel the guilt i feel...

i feel everything.

can you try to see it through my eyes?

you can't

distracted by her and me...your a guy i guess

is that an excuse for you though?

i think your more than that 

i wanna believe it.

i'm having trouble.

j.rose

weekly (i try) stuff.

some stuff...foolin' around.

Move a little closer

look into my eyes

time might stop

time might pass us by

intertwine your hands with mine

show me you might care

time might stop

time might slip into thin air

touch your lips to mine

let our bodies interlock

time didn't slip away

time definitely stopped.

j.rose

why do i even listen?

 the guy friend.

always jokes..."you a man" "your ugly" blah. blah. blah.

he doesn't get it. does he know that really when he says that, i just think for like the next 24 hours....he's probably right.  i feel that nervous pit in my stomach like why do i even try? does he know that when he says those things, all i wanna do is fucking punch him in the face? i cry sometimes which is just like admitting defeat...? admitting defeat....to this guy.....what the hell am i thinking?

so a party...fun times. last night. he goes on....yada yada yada

sir lancelot decides to step into the picture (my ex of 8th grade) and decides to yell at him....which is bizarre. so i decided that sir lancelot will never get over me...until new meat comes along. i feel like he is sometimes like a fall back?...maybe? i don't really know but i always know that if i need someone to "catch me"...i think he will be there.

so back to the guy friend...heres some words of wisdom.

just because i might not be a sexy bombshell or slightly good enough to fuck (in your "high" standards)

does not mean you can treat me like a guy who doesn't take ANYTHING (mostly) to heart

and also, when i finally get the courage...i'll be there to say....

FUCK YOU.

j.rose

i didn't think you

so tonight.

a cliche story. just to fill you in and this is a little random. i have always been the best friend. the one that the guy will go to so that he can try to go out with your friend. i'm the one where the guy will ask me what my best friend likes and what should he do if they get in a fight. always i have been that person. but tonight was different. one of my best friends, "layla". i mentioned her. did something that i never thought she would. i might be making this bigger than it is but i guess i just have been keeping all of these same situations bottled up that this one just let all of them loose. We were all at the movies. 5 of us and 1 guy. all of us ae friends but me and the guy were good friends. not with benefits or anything. more like brother and sister i guess you could say. anyway, "layla" is...bisexual. but she loves to flirt. big with the whole guy and get me horny sort of thing. but tonight she was flirting, like she always does (btw, i have no problem with flirting or anything like that...i'm not some prude who thinks sex  is the devil...i like sex too.) anyway off topic but yea so i was sitting next to the guy friend who inconveniently was a little high...a little. not really but thats besides the point. he kept reaching over me and kept nudging her. giving her looks and he asked me if i could change seats with her so they could yea. i told "layla" if she wanted me to move she can just tell me but she was all like no i would feel bad and what not. even though she was already succeeding at that, they kept their little flirting thing on over me. i couldn't really take it anymore because a couple of weeks ago, at a school dance, the guy friend told me that he thought she was cute. another "i'm the best friend" situation so i just moved with her and basically cried? i held it in but i could tell that she looked at me once in the middle of being felt up or whatever they were doing. i never thought that "layla" would put me in the actual best fiend situation. i'd have other friends do it but i wouldn't think her. when we got up she tried to hug me thinking i was upset for something that didn't involve her but i pushed her away. he tried to some up to me but i sort of just brushed it off saying im fine. he said he didn't believe me but i couldn't really fake it when tears were falling. he tried to apologize by saying he didn't know what he did but he was sorry. he looked into my eyes like he never has before. with meaning and care like almost...i don't know

we left and i was quiet. i just wanted to scream and that fact that i sort of might have a little liked this guy friend of mine didn't help. i didn't know what to do but stare out the window as we drove off. we get back to her house and no words are exchanged between us. at all. i always talk to her. all the time. but not tonight. i leave as soon as i could and as i was in the car...i just stared outside. feeling the cold on my face. i just wanted to jump out of the car and rip all thoughts from my mind. i wanted to feel the cold asphalt on my feet. i wanted the ripping wind to take my body. make my body hollow and empty which was how i felt right then. i wanted to scream. i wanted to cry.. i wanted to go up to"layla" and yell. i wanted to go up to my guy friend and just talk. tell him how i felt. i don't know. so much was going through my mind i just wanted the world to stop. maybe just for a moment.

i don't really know why this situation of the best friend is so much bigger of a deal to me than all of the other ones but i kind of want to find out. why would she do this. i never would have thought it would have been her...why? i want to run in the cold and feel nothing else but the numbing wind on my face. i don't know what this is.

j.rose

weekly stuff.

so i used to keep a whole journal full of lyrics and poems and stuff until i lost it this year. big loss but then i stopped writing because i lost it. i started it up again and i missed it so i thought every week i would post something new... an original.

 here i go, first one.

Their shitty lives concealed in the day's bright lie

She looked happy and smiled too

i only learned that she slit

never cut all of her shit

loose.

She laughs around them

they never know

she goes home to be all alone

pushing on the bathroom door.

lock the door. hit the floor.

why do they let no one see

the pain really goes on behind the curtains of that smile or laugh.

rough show.

j.rose

are they friends?

so i thought friends were people who support you and like are nice to you and all that stuff. i feel like sometimes my friends "make fun" of me more than the people who actually hate me. i know they are all jokes but i think there is a line between the two. 

lately, i feel like i have to almost go along and maybe call myself a loser or fat just so i feel like i'm not taking it personally and just being chill.  one of my friends, "layla" has been my best friend ever since i switched to private school in 7th grade. i've been through almost everything with her. i know she loves me but when she does that whole haha joke thing so many times during the day i can't even count, i feel like why?

They joke around and during that, i'm fine

later, i think why the fuck do they have to do that

friends, my friends, can be nice but lately, all i feel like doing is slapping them right across the fucking face.

weird.

j.rose

first post: kind of new at this thing

so i thought about it and here it is. a blog. 

not one thats whiney. or annoying. just honest. just me.

So i don't really wanna explain who i am because i think thats what i'm figuring out but i do know that this is all about expressing thoughts that no one has to know but yet you'll still feel like you said it out loud.

just thought i would try it out for now. 

j.rose